Is it nice to get along with my ex?
Being friends with your ex is the act of establishing a connection with them or going back to be with them in the hope that the relationship will be better than the previous one. Should I be friends with my ex? To some extent, I will say yes, if you know you would be able to manage it properly so it doesn’t affect your recent relationship.
And I will also say no if you know your new partner won’t be okay with it. This is definitely an individual’s choice whether to be friends with an ex or not. However, there are some guidelines all exes should adhere to after a breakup. In most relationships, some partners will find it difficult to forget about the good times once shared together while others would rather move on and never look back.
When should I cut ties with my ex?
Why want to establish a friendship with your ex after seeing that your relationship with them was filled with cheating and abusive words? Notwithstanding, even if your relationship was completely healthy and didn’t work out as expected, you might want to have a second thought before accepting to be friends again.
A 2000 study discovered that friendships between exes were more likely to experience bad qualities, and less likely to have good ones, than cross-sex platonic friendships. This would have appeared completely true if you were never friends before you dated. I love a question being answered by Rachel Sussman, a psychotherapist based in New York City; she says chemistry hardly changes that if you had a really strong bond and a really strong love affair with a very interesting lovemaking life, how do you become friends with that individual?
A study also shows that being friends with your ex has several dangers ahead as it sometimes holds you back from going into a new relationship. It will really appear insane informing your new partner that your ex is one of your closest friends. How do you expect your new partner to address you and do you think the new relationship will really flourish having done all this?
Here is a practical life challenge experienced by one of my friends:
My friend by name, Gideon Akpan in his early 20s experiences similar thing as after breaking up with his girlfriend for about a year, Akpan stayed friends with her and had soft spots for her hoping the relationship would be better than their previous relationship with mistakes well learned and checked appropriately.
Having been into a romantic relationship on and off and back into friendship with his ex for a complete five years and a half, that the relationship was enjoyable but he stills make the same mistake again. Akpan says he can’t advise any of his friends or loved ones to fall back on being friends with their exes and he made up his mind never to go back to his ex again no matter what.
Akpan also says that continuously falling back on friendship allowed him unable to feel some of the pain of each breakup which may appear a good strategy, but can impede future growth immensely.
Similarly, a study published in PLOS One in 2013, shows that “breakup distress may work as a catalyst for personal growth,” while refraining from this distress may prevent the development process.
Here are a few times your partner shouldn’t be friends with their ex:
Your partner doesn’t include you
You may not want to be clingy and may accord your significant other the privilege to have some communication with his or her friends/exes. But if you perceived something fishy is going on behind your back, and it is better you rebuke your partner and warn him or her about the dangers ahead.
We have seen instances where some partners tend to cheat on their current partner by being friends with their exes. Have in mind that even if a partner break-ups and one or both find other partners, either your partner or their ex may still want to see each other if the relationship was very sexual and the chemistry between them was really strong.
Never die in silence but rather speak up if you feel uncomfortable or worried that everything isn’t fine in the relationship. In some cases, this type of friendship isn’t healthy, especially if your significant other has a history of cheating.
The ex wants to be back with your partner
If you have the feeling that the ex wants to get back together with your partner, even if your partner has no interest in his or her ex, being friends with the ex isn’t healthy. Also, if your significant other has moved on, but the ex hasn’t, then I don’t advise being as friends.
Your partner’s ex isn’t happy for you
You discovered that your partner’s ex isn’t happy about your current relationship and you do observe they said mean things about you. Never allow your partner to be friends with the ex as the relationship may not be enjoyable as it were before. If you discover the ex says rude comment or makes inappropriate gestures when you both are together or passing by, it is better to ask your partner what his or her intentions are, pertaining to the ex.
Why are their friends in the first place? After seeing and hearing all the negative things the ex says about them? If your significant other actually loves you, he or she would cut ties completely with the ex to save your relationship.
Their ex finds it hard letting go or moving on
You sensed that the ex is having a hard time letting go or moving on and he or she is trying to remain friends with your partner. Be careful and never support such a friendship as the ex might be possibly having hope of getting back with your partner and you may be displaced.
Also, if your partner does receive phone calls and romantic text messages regularly from their ex, be watchful as they have no reason to contact your partner. You can make it clear to your partner that you don’t like him/her entertaining such romantic text messages or calls from their ex and they should cut ties with the ex completely. And even if you’re to approve it, your partner should make it clear that he or she is establishing healthy boundaries with the ex.
Do they still have strong feelings for each other?
It will be a disaster if your partner and their ex still have strong romantic feelings for each other as this might make them wants to be friends again. Also, while you away on duty, your partner might sneak out to have a romantic date with the ex and with time your partner loses interest completely in you and opts for the ex in return. In this case, remaining friends with your ex is a bad idea and may make your relationship that was once progressing to be retrogressing.
Their relationship wasn’t healthy
You might not want to question your partner how their relationship with their ex ended and to give you a detailed story about it. Why would you want to be friends with your ex after knowing too well that your previous relationship ended with altercation or emotionally abusive words?
Trying to be friends with your ex would make you unable to move past your baggage according to a licensed therapist Kimberly Hershenson, LMSW. Your partner may find it difficult leaving a toxic relationship behind, especially if it really messed with their heart/head. But you can always encourage them to move on that you got their back.
Your partner always reach out to their ex when misunderstanding sets in
This is a very sensitive issue if you discover your partner always run to their ex whenever you both have strong misunderstandings. And if this occurs incessantly then it’s a sign of an unhealthy relationship that can breed into infidelity when your partner reaches out to their ex when they are mad at you or upset.
Consequently, it’s really not nice to involve an ex in the negative aspects of your new relationship which is one of the common mistakes in recent relationships today. So if you feel unsecured or uncomfortable, be sure to speak up and let your partner know why you aren’t happy so as to make the relationship enjoyable.
Being friends with your ex is cool when you notice these things:
They were friends before even dating
Your partner will likely be friends with their ex especially if they were great friends before they started dating. And this is cool. If you noticed your partner and their ex broke up amicably, you should have nothing to worry about and be happy that you’ve got a significant other who knows the value of maintaining healthy relationships.
Also, even with these, care should be taken so as not to do something stupid with your ex that may end up hurting your new partner’s feeling.
They have moved on completely towards each other
It’s still nice for your partner to be friends with their ex having seen that they have completely moved on and got no romantic feelings towards each other. They no longer see each other as couples but friends who are not together as a couple. And they redefine their relationship and placed it in the friend’s zone and nothing more.
They make their boundaries clear enough
Never have a problem with your partner being friends with their ex as long as they exercised clear boundaries and shows respect. Make sure the ex doesn’t send romantic love text messages to your partner late at night or infringe on your relationship in any way and never go beyond the clear boundaries set. A licensed marriage and family therapist Dr. Racine Henry, Ph.D., LMFT explains this in details.
Instead of developing a misunderstanding, their friendship remains neutral and straightforward. The ex might even make an effort to be your friend and may offer you good advice on how to make your partner happy and never to make the same mistake he or she did that made your partner broke up with them. This is a really good sign that things are ok and you don’t have any rift with your partner’s ex.
Do they share mutual friends together?
If your partner shares mutual friends with their ex, it will be cool as long as they both make the decision to stay friends especially when they run into each other fairly regularly. A psychic and spiritual counselor Davida Rappaport says “It would be nice for you to be part of that group as well get so you can have the chance to know their shared friends and their ex as well so you don’t view their ex or their shared friends as a direct threat to your relationship.
They work together in the same place
Your partner will definitely be friends with their ex if they work together in the same place. This does not mean they should bring their differences into the place of work as they need to consult each other so as to bring development to the entire company.
Similarly, there’s no way your partner won’t associate with their ex if they work in the same place because they will attend the same meetings and have things in common to do. And you have to advise your partner to maintain clean and clear work ethics and put aside any emotionally differences between their ex so as to maintain healthy communication with productive output.
Do they have kids together?
This is a very delicate issue as there’s no way your partner and their ex can’t stop being friends because they have their kids at stake which brings both of them into seeing each other often. This doesn’t mean your partner should capitalize on this and use it as a medium to cheat on you with their ex. A responsible partner won’t risk his or her current relationship if they know is far better off than their previous relationship by indulging into lovemaking with the person they once had a toxic and abusive relationship with.
In fact, if both can remain healthy friends and have the interest of their kids at heart, is a clear sign that they can handle their break up respectfully.
If they are working on a project together
Being friends with your ex is cool when you both are working on a team project together at your workplace. They can also show their level of maturity by not blowing up their break up differences and work to make their project the best ever in the company. Also, if they own property together, a friendship could also be in the best interest of their business investment.
Having known that it can be cool and sometimes not cool being friends with your ex, you have to seriously have a second thought if such friendship won’t mar your current relationship. My advice to my readers out there is to completely let go of their ex and focus on their current relationship if they truly love their new partner.
But if you need further assistance, you can drop a message here or reach us through our email as our trusted relationship experts will assist you immensely. Liked what you just read? Like our Facebook page, Instagram page, Pinterest, and Twitter handler and we promise to always spice up your love life immensely.